Dad came into work, I didn't notice him. I asked him what was wrong and he couldn't speak. He told me that there was another suicide. I asked who and he said Buba, I sort of went numb. I was so angry, he had just seen what we all went through; he had seen the outcome of what we went through 3 months earlier.

I couldn't cry, I just didn't have any emotion or feelings towards what had just happened. I was scared that if I did start to feel all the emotions, that I would go into that emotional bad state. I was scared that if I did go there, I wouldn't be able to bring myself out of it.

I don’t remember being there much, I couldn't look at him. I was just angry and I was still grieving for someone else that we just lost three months before Buba. I just didn't know how to feel.

I tried not to think about him I tried to keep my mind off him by working and just kept my mind at ease, I was scared to go into that mindset.

I have so many questions to ask him. I saw changes in my sister; I really felt for her, she was so close to him. She felt like she was in the middle and the only one that knew everything. I just wished she had talked to me about things.

When Buba died I moved on quite quickly. I still don't forgive him for what he did. Until I see him again, then yeah.

I still know that he is around, he has given me signs, I know that he’s still around.

CousinClea Pettit