What’s the definition of coping? Years of heartbreak and sleepless nights? Lost thoughts with unanswered questions? Constant aches and pains for absolutely no reason at all? Endless tears but a dried up face? Or maybe it’s being followed by the aroma of embalming cream and continuous reminders like "I'm sorry for your loss", one thing's for sure, it's none of the above according to the English dictionary. So I guess you could say I couldn't cope and I guess I still can't.

Hearing his name, looking back at photos, listening to his songs, watching his son grow, “aunty where's papa?” Flashbacks of that day, reminders, horror movies that take me back to that day, every thought of him takes me back to that day. I thought I had worse days before the 9th of December 2013, and truthfully I did. Burying two mates prior to his passing, for the same reason, and even thinking about it myself. I was on a cloud higher than I’ve ever been before, and somehow, some days, I go back to the same feeling, the same cloud the same grief.

The 9th day of each month marks another month without his presence. Coincidentally it was the same day, but the month before, that I lost Ebony. Another reminder, more guilt and a lot of regret. Like, I could have saved her, I could of saved him, why the fuck didn’t I go see her when she needed me, he was right there in our garage, I could hear him, I swear, she did it because of me?! He didn’t know how much I loved him; she didn’t know how much I loved her.

Same emotions same hurt...but his death was different, he was my brother, he was the main man in my life, he still is and forever will be. To this day I still cry don’t think I’ll ever stop. If we had a limit on tears, I swear I know I would have wasted them on him, not because I wanted to, but because life chose that to be my trial and it truly was, I can cope, I will be ok, but still, I will never be the same.

SiblingClea Pettit